he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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