do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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