So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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