no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
