Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
