you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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