i was born a porn star she said
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
