She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
