Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
