what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
