I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
