Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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