i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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