Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
