Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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