All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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