Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
