Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
