need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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