Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
