my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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