Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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