my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
