I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
