I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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