All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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