I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
