I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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