sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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