his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
