Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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