I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
