my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
