Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it's like heaven, but drunker
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
