I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Congratulations! We have a period
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