i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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