who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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