So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
