This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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