Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
