my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
