I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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