Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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