Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
