So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
