I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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