Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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