Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Randomize
