Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
