Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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