people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
